All is well.
October 19, 2011 § 5 Comments
You may be wondering how things have been going since Monday's defeated little post.
Well, I shouldn’t be surprised what God is revealing to me, bit by bit, every day. Yesterday He let me have a little fun and introduce you all to my cat (who has settled in quite nicely, if you cared for an update). But today, well, He’s not letting me off that easy.
I found myself over at A Holy Experience this morning and, before I’ve even had my coffee, I was facing some pretty big questions about faith. I’ve been feeling pretty small lately, in this big sea I’ve jumped into, and have felt unsure about whether or not I belong.
But the fact is, it’s more than that.
It is not just about trying my hand at something and lacking confidence. It is about shrinking back from how God would have me grow, shuffling away from a firm faith in God’s plan for me (as if He doesn’t notice the shuffling), and only relying on myself to figure it out. That’s when I have days like Monday. My perspective is suddenly small, just me and my computer, and I let the fear win.
And this has always been a part of my personality. If there is too great of a risk that I could fail, I try to sidestep it. If it’s new to me, I fret and stew and analyze it from every angle, talking myself out of trying it in the process. I’ve never been one to “attack” something “head on” and all that “go get ’em” language. I usually convince myself that someone else would do it better, anyway. And I don’t let God show me the way. I sometimes don’t even ask Him about it for fear that He wants me to do it and I. could. fail.
That’s not faith.
SO, how do I practice my faith day to day?
Right now, in this phase of life, I’m leaning. I’m waiting on the Lord. I’m choosing, daily, to listen. I’m praying for Him to show me what He would have me do, write. And I’m trying so hard to be confident in the fact that, no matter what, God is there. How can I go wrong? Even if this all tanks and I end up a shoe shiner, God will be there, working on my grace and interpersonal skills.
I hope to be thinking about these questions all the time. In fact, I need to think about other ways I share my faith and deepen my faith in Christ. But today, I’m going to “abandon and abide- all is well.”