Warning: this is a long one.
February 2, 2012 § 7 Comments
Okay, so I’m just gonna throw this all out there. Ready? Ready.
For awhile now, I have been trying to figure out what to do with this blog. I have had big ideas and plans, but have not been sure what was realistic and where exactly it was headed. Depending on the day, my zeal ebbed and flowed. Depending on the day, I was inspired by other bloggers out there and compelled to throw my energy into this lil’ guy and see where it went. Depending on the day, I felt sick and silly and that I had nothing to say when I looked at other bloggers who are oozing creativity and cuteness and I thought to myself, “who am I kidding?”
So I redesigned. And went ahead with trying to keep up. And on the brink of
insanity releasing it, something stopped me. I thought it was self-depreciation and doubt, but upon further examination, it turns out I just wasn’t supposed to.
I want blogging to be about the writing. And it wasn’t.
I want it to be fun. And it wasn’t (as much as I thought it should be).
I was competing.
My focus has been all wrong. As I have been trying to “build a platform,” I have been trying to sell myself. I have been trying to be entertaining. I have been trying to decide which parts of myself are interesting/beautiful/worthwhile/you might like and not doing two things:
1.) Letting God decide. [I know. I’m going to go all spiritual on you.] But really- I would wake up and pick myself apart in the name of a good blog post and keeping up with others out there.
2.) Not really writing. Which has been the whole purpose for this blog in the first place.
I want to write, and write well, and I want you to enjoy it. But I have gotten away from that. I started caring more about Instagram and hair tutorials and how I couldn’t keep up.
[Sidenote: I bought a curling iron the other day. My first. They were on sale. I have since curled my hair twice and probably won’t again until I have another free hour in my life I wouldn’t mind losing to that torture device. Seriously- standing there FOR. EV. ER. and using enough hairspray to sufficiently coat the sink while nearly burning my eye just won’t be something I do often. I don’t know how people do it daily. But I respect it.]
This isn’t judging those who do it. I get a kick out of the blog world, I really do. I go down my list of daily blog reading, though it has been modified as of late. I hope this isn’t offending anyone, as it is just the right choice for me after getting away from where I really felt I was being led.
I don’t want to feel pressure to tweet what kind of dinner I’m having and my latest cute outfit that will just make the bloggers/readers at home in their sweatpants feel like crap.
[Disclaimer: there is a reason a fashion feature never happens. I hardly dress cutely and NEVER do my hair. I don’t know how to do either.
So. There’s that.]
So I started to really think. What impact do I want my words to have? What do I want this blog to be about?
The re-designed blog I made is yet again in limbo. I have other plans in mind now. Plans that I had felt compelled to start months ago and I decided to ignore. Plans that are true to my desires as a writer and, I believe, where God would have me be focusing. Writing is about putting yourself out there and hoping people will understand and enjoy it, but being okay if they don’t because you are fulfilling a passion, an undeniable need to express and create. I just don’t want you to care about my dinner or hair that much, I really don’t. Well, unless it’s too funny not to share, but not for the sole purpose of admiring me. That is just awkward.
You haven’t seen the last of me. Not by a long shot. More is in the works that combines many passions of mine and, let’s be honest, I can’t keep all of my benign and innocuous thoughts to myself. SO those will still show up. I’m just breathing and enjoying that feeling you get when you’ve been heading down the wrong road for awhile (which you thought was right), the one you needed to go down to satisfy the curiosity you’ve had over whether or not you should be doing it (you don’t know until you try, right?) and suddenly a switch is flipped and you just know. I am relishing in what I now know, in what I had put aside in order to compete with the online world while I was neglecting things that make my spirit excited (gettin’ holy again).
That’s where I’m at right now.
Thanks for understanding. And reading.
I love you. I love blogging.
But please- don’t care very much about whether or not I (or any other person blogging or tweeting, for that matter) am at the grocery store or if I/they put cute clothes together today. Please.
You’ll still be okay if you don’t
care know. 😉