Refocusing from the floor.
March 12, 2013 § 2 Comments
There was no place to go but the floor.
Not the bed, not the couch, not the kitchen table.
It beckoned, amidst the cast-off slippers and unvacuumed cat hair: a place to close my eyes and talk with God.
I’d been spinning my wheels in too many directions and had gotten tired. I wasn’t making any progress. My purpose, my mission, my passions were out of sight and I needed to check back in. I was missing my team member.
The thing is, as I opened up to Him about my goals and dreams, speaking from my heart and feeling the confirmation of what I was meant to do, the screen behind my eyelids played a different movie for me. I only saw other people and their accomplishments, how far they had gotten and how right it seemed to be. I couldn’t see myself in their place, having made it to where they are, too. They were where I wanted to, but would never be able to, be.
I know you can learn from others. You have to. They have walked the road you’re on and made it to the other side. They have wisdom to offer. But it’s dangerous. Too often, I find myself watching them up ahead and I lose my steam. I see them sharing their voice and talents–such good voices and talents–and think there just can’t be any more room. I don’t fit.
“How will I get there?” turned into “And I will never get there.”
Turns out, I think I was missing the point. I don’t think God wants me worrying about the end result. This isn’t the most groundbreaking news, but it still knocks me on the floor, apparently. My Firefox tabs and twitter feed have been saturated by people telling me just how to get to the end. They’ve gotten there, after all, and want to offer their experiences.
But it’s got me stopping before I’ve even started, in a matter of speaking. I’ve gotten too wrapped up in “why can’t I be where they are?” instead of keeping my sights on the process, my process. After all, God doesn’t always deliver the outcome that we have designed anyway. He speaks to us and teaches us in each step along the way, sometimes taking us above and beyond what we expected or a new direction entirely. There’s a REASON why He tells us not to worry about tomorrow and just to focus on what He has for us TODAY. Because if we’re looking out ahead of us to the end, we’re going to miss what He has in each step as we get there, if we get there. Goodness knows that the Lord is NEVER in a hurry and even less inclined to work on our timetable. I think he finds it quite amusing when we’re tapping our feet and running our nails across the table, checking our watches and growing evermore impatient with the lack of results we were hoping for. Like we know what’s best.
And I am evermore impatient with not doing it “right” before I’ve even done much at all. That’s not how He wants me to be.
The interesting part of this all is that I couldn’t be more pleased with life right now. The roof over our heads that is so warm and comforting and home, the community around us that supports and encourages us, the family who would give us the coats from their backs if we needed them to, the baby thriving in my belly who is soon to join our little family, the absolute outpouring of love my husband and I strive for from when we wake up until our heads hit the pillows at the end of the day, the trust we have that we are in the best Hands possible no matter what…
And yet I lose all perspective when I want to rush through this creation process to the end product and ask that God makes it happen. I am humbled by the realization of this counter-intuitive logic and feel like laughing at myself. Me, I chuckle, trying to hurry along GOD?
Lying on the floor, watching the rain and becoming distracted by the nooks and crannies in my living room that need dusting, my eyes fall to the pile of neglected magazines under the coffee table.
Huh. I peer closer. I never noticed that there are quotes on the spine of my Real Simple. Squinting, I read these words:
“CREATIVITY COULD BE DESCRIBED AS LETTING GO OF CERTAINTIES.”–GAIL SHEEHY
And there it was. I could have gone my whole life without seeing those words. The pile would have ended up on the recycle and I would have kept spinning. But God had other intentions for me when I finally stopped. He wanted some time with me, to speak to me and remind me that He’s on my team. I’m never alone and will continue to be led down my own distinct path, if I let Him lead.
And it probably won’t look like everyone else’s journey.
Sometimes, He just may have a better way.
Sometimes, we have to faithfully and dutifully put one foot in front of the other to see where we end up, keeping His pace so as not to miss that right turn or another bend in the road.