Gain amidst loss…of a couch.
April 2, 2013 § Leave a comment
The couch in our office is gone.
Where I would cozy up with a good book or my latest writing project. Or just nap with the cat. On it sat the cutest pillow that really brought the room together.
It is now in a garage, the space made for a crib and nursing chair.
Also, a bassinet now sits by the bed in our room, right where the full length mirror used to live. The mirror has been displaced to beside the dresser, where it doesn’t really fit. We might have to take the feet off of it and mount it on the wall, if we can. It may just have to go.
And a funny thing hit me after these things were gone from their usual spaces. I already miss how they used to serve me, where I had strategically placed and expected to use them.
But what about me? a voice wondered.
Yes, I am selfish. This, I knew. Especially after getting married. Man, nothing brings to light just how concerned you are with yourself than when you come face-to-face, day in and day out, with someone (with their own needs and flaws) looking to partner with you for life. You start to shove awake your inner giver/compromiser/forethought-er. But you are still very aware of just how far you have to go.
And my biggest fear as we were beginning to discuss being parents was just how selfish I am. Could I really devote myself to another little being, from womb to world? Could I let go of “it’s all about me” and put my child’s needs before my own?
Pregnancy doesn’t really prepare you for this, by the way. It actually indulges this side of you–people tell you to “milk it” and “enjoy it while it lasts.” Put your feet up. Take care of you. Let others handle it. Don’t get stressed out. You want to see someone get out of your way or bend a rule for you? Show ’em the belly. [Remember–that’s how we scored a tank of gas for our new car. ] Not that I’m not grateful for it. I’m just trying to arm myself for the transition to come.
And with the couch moving out of our house, it started to sink in.
Things are officially not as they used to be.
I am losing my things. It’s the first taste of the major change to come in our home, the disruption to my norm. I’ve been rolling with the punches (literally) when it comes to my prego body, but now rooms in our house are showing signs of baby, a change that is not going anywhere anytime soon. And I started to panic.
But here’s the thing. None of it was mine to begin with.
In truth, everything we own, everything we use and enjoy and maintain, is not actually ours. The Lord has blessed us with all of it, every single thing, and it is our choice how tightly we hold on to it, how we treat it.
The house? Not mine.
The car? Not mine.
This body? Not mine.
There is no room selfishness here, no place for it. Because nothing belongs to me, so what do I have to claim? Only that we have been abundantly cared for in every way and though certain belongings may no longer fit in our life, they are being replaced by a gift like none other. He’s entrusting to us the most valuable possession of all–new life–and I need to quit my whining.
Yes, things will change in a big way.
Yes, I may be without some things I’m used to (like sleep).
And yes, there will be a “what did I sign up for?” adjustment period and probably some “can I even do this?” days.
But a.) we’re never given more than we can handle and b.) I’m really quite honored by what He thinks we can manage. Like the goosebumps you feel when you’ve been promoted–who, me? You really think so? Wow.
So here’s to the last few weeks and looking forward, relishing in every moment, anticipating what is to come, and finding another place to nap.