April 4, 2013 § 1 Comment

“Where are you?” she whispered.
Eyes closed, relying on every other sense.  Smelling, listening, reaching to touch…  “I just want to know.”

Nothing heard.  Nothing felt.

Maybe if she sat stiller.

“Where are you?” she murmered.  The clock ticked by the moments of patience, each move of the hand donning shorter breathing and moving closer and closer to restlessness.  She rose. She needed more space, she had consumed all of the air. Outside, the breeze filled her nose and hair, setting the pace of her question and slowing the answer, she knew.  “That doesn’t count,” she insisted.  “It’s not good enough.”  She knew He could hear her.  She knew He could see.  She wanted more.

“Where are you?” she asked the sky, her voice dripping of her soul and filling her ears.  Her heart felt numb, punished and sleeping, its beating only known by the pulse of the vein in her neck.  Nothing else moved.  “You know where I am.  You say you’re near.  You say you’re everywhere.”  She raised her chin an inch. “I don’t like liars.”

Her skin had grown cold, chilled by the condemnation in her being.  Defiant. Resolute. Broken.  She had made her move.  She had been open. She had asked Him first in all things.  She had done her best.

And He chose now to be missing. Silent.

It wasn’t good enough.

Her fingers twitched once more, uncontrollable and itching to grab hope, help. It was all she could do to keep them lowered, relaxed.  They ached to grasp, clench, hold, harbor.

“Where are you?” she called.  Everything she knew waited for confirmation.  Trust hung in the balance between them as if suspended on her breath.

“Where are you?” she cried. She rose slowly, each bone deliberate and sure.  Her blood flowed faster, her jaw was set.  Her chest kept the rhythm of her emotion.

“Where are you?” she roared.  The echo ran through the trees, the grass, the very earth.  Surely that would awaken Him, make Him come.  He would not deny her.

Crashing over her like a wave was I Am.
I Am.
In it all.

Her eyes grazed the world around her, her shoulders rested lower. Her heart beat slower, the pulsing no longer so urgent. She took it all in, in to where she needed it.

Still once more.
Still for now.
Still for Him.

Natalie Soldano


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