In light of it all.
May 7, 2013 § Leave a comment
Last Friday night/morning, I couldn’t sleep.
Awake at 3:30am for my usual potty run, I knew I was not to meet sleep again for a while. So I got up, poured a bowl of Honeycomb, and watched an episode of “Nashville,” I’m only kinda sorry to say. After setting aside the remnants of cereal and closing my computer, I peaked outside at the dawn. So quiet, so still. I pictured more company than the cat soon to join me in those wee morning hours, a little Peanut in my lap. I wandered the house in the dark, sticking my head into Peanut’s room and imagining just how many crazy hours will be spent in there.
I felt pretty peaceful, saying good-bye to 5am until we meet again soon.
Back in bed, my mind wasn’t tired yet. It started to run. Baby names, leftover To-Dos, plans for the next day…and finally–purpose.
Always a whopper and never a good idea to ruminate on within the confines of the covers and insomnia.
I must have left my peace in Peanut’s room because my mind took a detour into unsettled. I struggled, in vain, to sleep. The darkness of the bedroom soon fed the darkness of my wandering mind…
What am I doing, really? What is my purpose? What am I contributing to this family, my community, this world? Not enough. Let’s face it–I can’t keep up.
I can’t do this. Or this. Or that.
Whoa. I knew it as it was happening, that I was being swept up into the shadows of my mind, anxiety building, with no way of getting back to the light until it came.
I wanted to wake Kenny up and share my wicked thoughts, have him calm me. But it wouldn’t have been fair–he had an early wake up call and I couldn’t justify stealing him from slumber just to indulge my insecurities. I struggled with sleep for a few more hours. And then it happened.
The sun came up. The birds were singing their song and my stomach was growling again and coffee was calling my name and all I was feeling was very pregnant and hot and thirsty. The darkness was banished. A new day had begun.
It always does, doesn’t it?
You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light.
2 Samuel 22:29
In the sunlight, I saw around me all the good, all of the possibility. With my eyes open, I saw that truth couldn’t live in the darkness, but was undeniable in the light. Things were good. I’m not useless. I’m loved and blessed. God wants me to rest in that, always. And then get some proper shut-eye.
I remembered that I wasn’t supposed to worry away the hours with concern for how I don’t measure up. All I am to do is embrace the daily measure of grace I’m given.
In the morning, there was peace again, that unconditional love in which I can walk. And sleep.
The reality is that 5am is a dangerous hour and we should never indulge our minds in the dark, in which we are never left for long.
Always wait for the light. It will come.